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My Personal Armageddon
I’m taking a break. I need to get away from it all. I’m planning to take a trip to the cabin my family owns. It’s a 4 mile walk away from any human civilization and that’s what I need right now. I dropped out of high school not too long ago to help my Pa with the Gas Station my family owns, or at least tried to. Everyday he nagged me on about dropping out of school and telling me how disappointed my Ma would be with me. After 3 weeks of that shit, I stole his Mossberg 500 ASG, everything in his fridge, 2 fishing rods and headed up to the cabin in my truck. I hope I never see that old fucking bastard again.
This is a trip I needed. I slept outside yesterday and it was WONDERFUL. The owls chirping and even the bugs crawling on my skin made me feel so at peace and connected with mother nature.
Scored me big and shot up some big ol’ stupid deers. I’m gonna make me some nice jerky and stare at the stars tonight.
I’ve been thinking about a lot of different things recently. My ma, death, the after life, my future, what I’m gonna do after this. Only thing I have to keep me company is this journal and the thoughts in my head. I brought this thing to write in because I wanted to look back on this trip when I finally go back but the more days I spend out here the more I don’t want to go back. My pa is probably fuming at me.
I hope there’s an after life, I hope there’s a heaven. Heck, I even I hope there’s a hell too because just there being nothing sounds horrible. Sleeping forever, no pain, no sight, no nothing. That’s hell to me.
Had a walk to the store that’s 5 miles away from here and yeeesh I was tired as a mule pulling a hippo through the desert. When I reached the store me and the store keeper, I think his name was Gabriel if I’m remembering correctly, Me and him talked for about an hour and he gave me some water for free and a wagon to carry all the stuff I bought. I wish more people like him were out there, great guy, easy to talk to.
I shot something yesterday. I don’t know what I shot. I heard rustling in the more forest area near the cabin, there was something huge moving around in the shrubbery, I thought it was a bear so naturally I shot at it. When I shot at it the thing let out a horrible ear piercing screech, it sounded like the most loud trumpets I’ve ever heard. The sound rattled my bones and made my eyes hurt, I felt like I shot myself in the stomach, it’s like the pain I inflicted on to whatever it was reflected it back onto me. I think I passed out, because when I woke up my hands were bleeding, 2 letters were carved on each of my hands. On my left hand were the letters YH and on my right were the letters WH I couldn’t see it, just trying to look at it made my eyes hurt like I was staring at the sun for too long. It’s like my mind was trying to block out what it was, I physically couldn’t see what it what this creature was. I felt inferior to it, and that made me mad.
I don’t know what the fuck I did, I’ve been throwing up for the past 3 days. My head has been killing me. The only thing I can keep down is bread. It tastes strange but atleast it’s something I can eat.
I fucked up, I fucked up big time. I feel like my eyes are melting out of my head, my eyes feel hot like a horrible burning pain. I have this horrible feeling like nails are being hammered into the palm of my hands.
Maybe it was one of those soviet weapons or something. I don’t know what has gotten into me. I have this looming feeling that I did something horrible.
God spoke to me. If it wasn’t a dream then god really spoke to me. He told me I was a sinner, that I killed one of his angels. He told me I wasn’t going to hell.
I AM NOT ALONE IN MY OWN BODY. THERE IS SOMETHING CRAWLING UNDER MY SKIN AND EATING ME FROM THE INSIDE.
God spoke to me again. He told me he needs to cleanse my body. God, please just send me to hell, it can’t be much worse than this. He told me that there is locus under my skin eating away at my sins. I tried to walk for help but my legs are so weak. I barely have ate anything. The only thing I seem to have strength to do is write about this horrible experience for God to laugh at.
I’m shivering, I’m aching, I’m coughing up locus, Not even blood, I haven’t bled once. I don’t know what god is doing to my body but I feel so empty. It’s like he drained all the blood from me. The pain in my back is killing me, It feels like I have two huge gashes on my back. I don’t have any mirrors so I can’t look at it. I feel like my body is being ripped apart and slashed and punished and everything horrible I can think of. Even stuff I can’t even fathom I feel like is happening to me.
All of my pain is gone. I can still feel the locus crawling around. All the sensations that were pain now feel like slight tickles. Some of them feel like I’m getting slashed but it doesn’t even hurt.
God, I repent. I am sorry I have taken the life of one of your divine beings. Please forgive me. Please kill me. If this is hell then please just make my after life nothing but black and no feeling. I can feel them the insects crawling under my skin, They’re biting at my bones. Every second I can only hear them crawling and biting. GOD PLEASE END THIS
God, you are a liar. You said I wasn’t going to hell. This has to be hell. You probably aren’t even god, you’re probably some sort of demon trying to eat my soul or some shit.
God, please hear me. My back feels so heavy, my skin is hot, my tongue fell out yet I feel no pain all I can feel is the cold air on my open wounds. The feeling of the insects under my skin and crawling out of the holes in my body has become somewhat peaceful. It’s the only sort of pain I can feel. I desire pain, this absence of pain is somehow more painful than no pain at all. Please end me, אֵל.